WHY IS IT SOOO HARD!!!!! Nails done
Jun 22, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vn4vFD-8-4

good morning you guys well good
afternoon good evening its 509 so we're
talking it's need evening time I wasn't
going to make a vlog today but you know
there has just been something laying on
my mind that I can't seem to shake so I
figured why would I not come on here and
talk with you guys because that is what
that's what I do especially when I am
kind of struggling with something just
something I need a shake so today I
sometimes I have this feeling that goes
through my mind and as somebody that has
suffered and does suffer with you know
professional diagnosed binge eating it's
definitely something I struggle with
more than I want to admit or to even say
that I admit to this frustration but ice
out there today and you know I kept
coming to my mind Amy what is so what is
what is how can I say this what is
stopping you from reaching the goal that
you are wanting to reach which is
conquering this eating disorder but not
just that but also finally being able to
get to that point where I am losing
weight being able to physically move
easily and live a productive life that I
feel like you know I can press on and
have a healthy relationship with food
but not just with food but a healthy
relationship all together we're just
around my health and you know as I said
there today and I can't I just kept
asking myself this question like what is
so hard what is really the the struggle
here you know what is so hard about
getting up and you know making those
healthy choices that I need to eat and
it's not even just that but why and why
is it such a difficult thing to just
have a good relationship with food in
general and there's not that that's
thing as there is nothing too hard about
that but it seems to be difficult for me
also with the whole question of what is
so hard about getting my butt up and
being active doing things in life so
that things come easily for me as in you
know getting up and moving so that my
muscles start getting stronger and you
know moving because I want to be able to
achieve things in life that I haven't
achieved and you know go on those trips
that I want to go on and you know travel
and you know be able to go and do major
shopping for my family or just go to the
park and play with my kids and not have
to stop every so often to sit down
because you know my body feels like it's
breaking down it's gonna pass out on me
any second you know those are things
that I struggle with today as I sat
there and that's not just been today let
me tell you it's been something that I
questioned myself on all the time
because I asked myself this today isn't
this something you want and my answer is
yeah so why am I not giving it to myself
why am i stopping myself from doing
these things and as I sat out there
today and I was watching some channels
YouTube channels and you know for me
okay I again I am been professionally
diagnosed with binge eating there is a
big difference between binge eating and
just choosing to eat crap and over
indulge in your crap okay
and when I say that is
if I I'm trying to take a scenario that
I'm not like making it sound like
something different if I bought a pizza
okay to me I don't consider buying a
pizza a binge okay I don't consider that
a binge whoops see you guys that I don't
consider that a binge nor does my
therapist consider that a binge if I go
to McDonald's and I get McDonald's I
don't consider that a binge and neither
does my counsel or my therapist my
nutritionists consider that a binge
because those are binges
those are just you participating in
eating something that isn't very healthy
for you isn't gonna bring extra life to
your life line but it's not a binge and
so many times I hear again I hear that
word being thrown around as oh I'm I've
been ston this or I've benched on that
or you know I bought this in you know
because I'm a binge eater
nananana nice try nice try on a nice try
that is not considered a binge binge is
where you check out you ain't aware of
what you're doing and you will eat
anything that comes across your
fingertips doesn't matter what it is but
as long as you can fit it into your
mouth and down your throat it's gonna go
in that is a bender but eating unhealthy
would be buying pizza buying pies buying
cakes buying
snack boxes off the internet and things
like that now see that's that's where I
get frustrated because I don't buy pies
I don't buy snacks off the internet I
don't participate in any of that type of
stuff however I still can't clock myself
out of why it's so hard to get the grips
of what the heck I'm trying to get done
here and what I'm achieving which is a
healthy lifestyle and you know I I see
here and I think to myself okay so so
many people probably look at me and they
probably think that I'm just like all
these other youtubers these fat
youtubers excuse my language but these
fat youtubers and I can save fat because
I am fat and fat does not at all
offended me because well realities I'm
fat but I don't want to be clocked into
one of these fat youtubers that you know
claim to have this disorder but yet use
the store disorder so they can get away
with eating choices of food that they
really clearly don't need and don't want
to work on themselves don't want to have
anything to do with health in general
but turns around and you know makes it
you guys in Turkey but makes it about
themselves in the sense that they they
make it about themselves that they can
just get away with that and it just
seems to me like there's no struggle but
here I sit and I struggle every single
day with the question that crosses my
brain why is it so hard Amy isn't this
something you want so desperately you
you know you do make choices that are
the right choices so why are you not
achieving these things that you so
desperately want to achieve and I can't
seem to come up with a darn number like
I can't come up with an answer and I'm
so frustrated because I don't want that
title to look like anybody else's title
because I am so different but at the
same time I'm struggling so bad because
as bad as I want these things it doesn't
feel like I'm getting to any part of
that I'm just really struggling like I
just can't seem to answer the question
of why it's so hard when it's something
that I want so bad why does it seem like
every day as bad as I wanted I don't
feel like I am able to give it my all
and I don't know what I'm doing or what
I need to do to change that because it's
definitely something that I want to
change but I'm gonna go in really quick
I'm gonna get my nails done he cuz I
want that money I'm gonna go get my
nails done and when I get back in I will
check in with you guys I just I just
wanted to talk to you guys for a minute
because like I said really sometimes you
guys are just who I have to talk to and
to hope that maybe my words are reaching
somebody and let you guys know that
filling this way is normal not normal
but I'm filling it too so you're not
alone you're not the only one feeling
that feeling because it's a really sucky
feeling anyways I'm gonna run in before
I get laid on my appointment but I will
check in with you guys
oh hey guys I'm going to try and do this
I'm so sorry the Sun is like right in
the wrong spot and I am so sorry but I
have no way of doing it other than this
okay
I can't even cover it because the sun's
going down so anyways so I just got out
of the nail shop and the guy that was
doing my nails oh my gosh he is so
awesome it was so sweet he was like we
were just talking and stuff and I was
like you know I am NOT one of those type
of people that freak out like if you
make a mistake or you know I'm one of
those that if you want to practice on me
and do different designs things like
that go for it he's like really and I'm
like yeah and he's like oh my god those
are like the best people to have you
know because as a client you know I mean
and I'm not saying it's wrong to to have
a need that you want done and matched or
whatever but at the same time it's hard
sometimes you know when you are the
person doing them this is what I got
done on my nails I'm laughs you guys can
see it my accent nail has sparkles
trying to drive and show you guys and
then it's just bright orange and pink
and yes so fun and so pretty but yeah I
see it better now but anyways but I was
like you know I'm just one of those type
of easy go lucky people you wanna
practice on me practice on me you want
to do whatever do it like I am totally
hands-on go for it
so he was so excited so he actually
played with them and if you look at my
nose I hold on
my accent nel is different than the rest
of my nails because he flopped the
colors and he was so excited he was like
you know you get these people that you
know regular clients that they like in a
certain way and that's just that's it
you know and if you don't do it a
certain way for them they're not happy
and he's like and I want to make my
clients happy like that's my job and you
know when you leave I want you to go
home and enjoy them and stuff and he's
like but to know that I could do that
he's like that's awesome he's like thank
you so much and so I told him I was like
absolutely I was like I hands-down love
having people be able to practice
because you know what life is all about
it is and that kind of leads me into
what I was talking to you guys before I
got out of the car was about being just
stuck in that rut of
the run of what is so hard about getting
on track
and when I say getting on track it's not
really like getting on track but what is
so hard about being able to want to
change and you know for me changing for
me is you know being able to still
successfully live life the right way
here they are this better way of seeing
them and if you look at this one this
one's different than the other ones all
the other ones it's orange tip but he
switched it anyways but you know it's
like the whole aspect of
I want to change so bad and I want my
life to be so different and I want
people to see me as a success but are
they gonna see me as a success or are
they going to lump me in with everybody
else that's a joke sorry to say it but a
joke or take their you know their
struggles as a joke and I'm struggling
so bad right now and you know I have
spent yesterday and today just off and
on you know I tearing up and crying
because I'm so frustrated with myself as
in you know the whole frustration of
wanting and desiring so bad to have
these changes but then it's like I just
can't get there mentally like I am
struggling so bad mentally to get on
board to where I have that successful
change and my life is just back on track
and you know back in July of last year I
started it and I felt amazing you guys
amazing like I was dropping weight I was
getting you know active I was starting
to you know go into stores and not have
problems with my body and my back and
all these things and then it's like
bullying as quick as I was feeling
successful I just like got into this rut
and I have not been able to clap back
out of it but as much as I hate living
this way and I want to change it's like
how how do I get that change hold on a
minute okay sorry I was picking dinner
up for the kids
I was like can you get them Burger King
he's like they are dying for a burger
can like yeah why not they can have it
we had leftovers at home for we had what
did we have last night tacos well I
kinda had like a guy's good say like
nacho taco kind of think I just used
some chips just a few chips underneath
just to give it a little bit of crunch
so that's what we're having for dinner
tonight but the kids want something
different I was a cocaine fine but
anyways you know and this is this is the
thing is like even like getting the kids
perky you know that to me it doesn't
affect me it doesn't bother me at all
it really doesn't what affects me is the
thought of like why is it hard to say no
I don't want a cheeseburger or why is it
hard to not have ice cream at night or
why is it hard you know and these are
not binges that's not a binge to me
that's not a binge I'm sorry I know I'm
completely ghosted out right now it's
cuz the Sun is like smack in my face
that to me is not a binge that's just me
eating poorly point-blank that's what it
is that's not a binge now everybody's
binges might be different I'm not
sitting here trying to say well your
binges and a binge because you know you
consider this not avenger this Avenger
everybody's stories different and I get
that I understand that but for me every
what my therapist has taught me and what
my nutritionist has taught me that would
not be considered a binge
that's just considered Amy wants to eat
that's it
but anyways so I don't know I just my
biggest thing is I just don't want
people to be watching me and saying
she's just like everybody else because
she's a been on this journey for since
July and she hasn't made any changes
I haven't physically changed I'm gonna
give that to you
physically I haven't changed if anything
I've backtracked a little bit
emotionally I have flipped chapters in
my life but of course that's a little
bit harder to see you know if you're not
physically with me and know everything
about my ins and outs and all in between
although I try and share as much of it
as I can but some of it's not there you
know but I just I'm so lost as in to why
it's such a hard task when it's
something I want so bad why is it so
hard to accomplish this tedious goal
that I feel like it is you know because
I see these people that have healthy
relationships with food and can handle
having you know an unhealthy meal if you
want to call it that unhealthy meal once
a week or once a month and they're
totally satisfied but for me it's like
it's a constant thought of when can I
have another
you know unhealthy meal or you know the
thought of ice cream being in the
freezer you know wanting it wanting it
wanting it okay don't
you're sitting there wanting it wanting
it wanting it and all these things and
it's like I just wish I could get over
this hump so that I can continue on this
journey that I have put myself on I've
put myself on it I didn't have anybody
put it on for me I didn't have somebody
pushed me to do it I chose to want to
change and that's still my heart's
desire however I will say that it's not
an easy it's not easy it is not easy but
I'm going to achieve it I will make it I
guarantee it no matter what without a
shadow of a doubt I know that I am meant
to achieve my goals park right here for
just second I know that I am meant to
achieve my goals and I know that I will
achieve them it may not be something
that happens overnight of course not and
it may not happen in a year from now and
it might not but I know that I'm also a
work in progress but I just want to let
everybody know even though it may seem
as though I am NOT trying hard enough or
that I'm not putting enough efforts
because you don't see me walking out on
you no trails and you don't see me
putting out workout videos every single
day and you know I'm not showing my
weigh-ins every single day or every week
I just don't want you guys to think that
I have become relaxed in the position
that I'm in because that's absolutely
not even close to where my heart is and
it makes me sad to continuously see
people uploading these videos of you
know putting out there that their own
weight loss journeys and that you know
they want to lose weight and they want
to do all these things but then they're
constantly uploading videos of you know
shopping halls with all this food that
makes no sense as to why you would even
want to bring those things in yes it's
things that you struggle with but you're
not gonna go out and buy it because like
for me I know my nutritionist and my
head therapist would never tell me Amy
go out and buy a whole cake and you may
have one slice at dinner time because
you know darn well that ain't gonna
happen you know darn well that whole
half of that cake if not the whole cake
is gonna be gone within a day or
that night you know I would never go on
and go be a part of a you know
purchasing snack boxes and stuff and
sitting there and snacking on things
when I'm desiring to lose weight but I
just don't want my name to be tagged
into these people that are crying wolf
basically saying they want these things
and they they're desiring it but then
they're not they're not doing any foot
work and that's where it's like I know
that it doesn't look like I'm doing foot
work but I promise everybody out there I
am it's a daily task for me I work every
day at what I am doing I put forth my
efforts every single day this is a war
between myself and my health every
single day when I wake up in the morning
I know what my feet are gonna be doing
that day can I say that my heart isn't
always in it of course is my mind always
in it no it's not sometimes my mind my
mind is often Lowell and dreaming of the
cakes and the candy boxes and all those
things but I know where I'm supposed to
be and even though sometimes it doesn't
look like it
to my viewers I just want you guys to
know you have my word I am NOT secretly
doing anything that would hinder my my
my I'm not doing anything that would
hinder my progress my process but I'm a
work in art I'm a work in progress and
every day is a challenge and I'm here to
say that I it's a challenge but every
morning I wake up for that challenge and
I still question myself every day why is
it still so hard and again because
that's the logic of it it's gonna be
hard for the rest of my life this is a
battle I'm gonna fight for the rest of
my life however the more support that I
have because I have not given up on
myself is only going to continue to push
me towards that finish line that I'm
trying to reach and so I know that it's
a lot of talking
and you know sometimes actions speak
louder than words and I understand that
I get that I you know I fill that and I
know that however I'm at a position in
my life right now where my actions may
seem like nothing because my work is
internal right now and I'm still working
on my physical I'm still working on my
health none of those things have went to
the wayside they never will because I
have a life I want to survive and live I
have children I want to live for I have
a my whole life my own life it has
nothing to even do about anybody else I
have a life I want to live I have dreams
that I want to make come true but I want
you guys to all be along with me and not
give up on me because I promise you I'm
not gonna give you guys anything to
wonder if I'm being truthful honest and
faithful to you guys as you guys have
been to me anyways I'm gonna close this
close this vlog I'm gonna get this food
home to the kids and eat my dinner but I
just wanted to thank everybody for
keeping firm with me staying true to me
supporting me on my good days my bad
days and all in between you know life is
life and some days are harder than
others but I know what my ultimate goal
is and I know that I am out here busting
my butt to make a better Amy because I
want to advocate for all the ones that
are truly suffering that truly want the
help I want to be the advocate because I
know how hard I'm struggling and I know
there's a lot help there that are
struggling that don't put themselves in
positions to fail but to put themselves
in positions to continue to strive but
sometimes it just doesn't look like it
but that's because there's so much more
going on than just the physical there's
so much more going on so anyways thank
you again everybody thank you for
joining my channel for all the new
subscribers that have come through it's
because of you guys that I continue to
push for it every single day I couldn't
be more thankful for every one of you
your messages of support is awesome
amazing some days your guys's messages
are what gets me through my day so I
just want to thank you from the bottom
of my heart and say thank you so much
for everything you guys have done for me
you may not know sometimes the words you
guys speak to me our words that I have
had to need to hear that day and it
sometimes is the one crutch that made me
get through my day so I'm gonna close
here I love you guys stay tuned and I'll
be checking in with you guys soon
